Biographical sketch
vishwajeeth_rai
This is what I wrote for the TISS application, when they asked me to pen down a biographical sketch :D

"The stars were everything. Ever since I can remember, I have known to stare in wonder at the heavens above. Theories on time, and space, mesmerised me, even fueled other burning questions about God, humanity, and our place in this universe. I even spent hours wondering about the future of man kind, the limitless possibilities of space travel and what was it that we were really rushing towards. As a kid I took this interest literally. I saw myself becoming an astronomer. Not an astrologer, not an astronaut, an astronomer, I would correct countless times. My mom always warned me that it seemed too fanciful considering my Maths scores. I relented and kept my faith in my love of the heavens. At that time I never understood what about the stars had truly captivated me.

By the time I reached the 11th std., things started crumbling. Science was appearing less and less to mean something to me, and it strangely seemed independent to my heavenly fascination. It was only years later, after jumping through hoops to get through my 12th board, and standing against every ones sane judgement and opting to do my BA rather than a BE, that I saw the revival of my lust for the heavens. It was to be in a class that was to open our eyes to the world of cultural studies. It was then that I knew that when I was looking up, I was pondering over the many basic questions of our existence which seemed lost in the daily buzz of survival. They were questions about 'being', 'time', 'space', etc which had held my gaze and which would later give me the relevant perspective to understand the world around me. To see things as clear as I could, like the Hubble, beyond the haze of our grinding reality."

damn, now that I see it again I realise I have a major problems with tenses :/ !

It always has happened, and always will....
vishwajeeth_rai
Watching slaughterhouse 5, reminds me of how beautiful the book is. I just love Kurt Vonnegut. The movie is also equally compelling. The part that has hit me now is the part about time. Where the aliens tell Billy Pilgrim that they know how the universe will end, "well we are experimenting with new fuels, a tralfamaldorian test pilot panics, presses the wrong button, and the whole universe disappears."
                   I remembered reading up somewhere that if one steps outside our universe, one will be able to see time. While we are within it, we notice space, but since we are stuck within time, we cant really see it as it is, so we need watches to measure it, keep track of it. I wonder how it would be to be able to see time as it is, in its entirety. Like watching every moment of your life as it happens simultaneously. That does make one wonder about free will. I remember in my psychology text book they highlighted a case of twins, separated from birth, and adopted by different parents. Each of them didnt know the other existed, and finally when they met up as middle-aged men, it was noticed that both had ended up being firefighters, gaining the same amount of weight, and apart from a few differences were pretty much alike. Are we then already predetermined, owing to our genetic data. Is it then possible to determine ones fate, using the persons dna code, as well as their economic status. They say life is half chance. But then if one can predetermine our reactions beforehand, is it then possible to accurately determine our reaction to certain chance events? In that case how are robots any different. If certain truths are then understood, I can confidently saw that there will be a day when robots and humans will be indistinguishable. If consciousness is put down to a group of experiences, and a persons reactions to them, all tied up through ones memory, then can not the same be replicated in a machine? Doesnt seem too far-fetched. Hmmm... still leaves a big hole on the basis of life itself. What really is the whole point of living then. I sometimes see it as the dream, the dream the non-living have of becoming God. To transform their existence from mere slaves of circumstance, to the creator of circumstance itself, aka, God. A dream made possible through the lives of every living being.
                                 Billy pilgrim then asks the alien being, that if they know this, why cant they stop him? He replies, "He has always pressed it, and he always will. We always let him, and we always will let him. The moment is structured that way."

Fluid misery, breaking glass-heart.
vishwajeeth_rai
Slowly things have stopped to matter. Loneliness can be a deadly disease. Deprivation of the soul. A slow wasting away of all efforts to keep surviving. Here im on anti-depressants, yet drinking alcohol at the risk of seizures. It just doesn't matter after a while. When your worst fears materialise all else ceases. You knew it would happen and it did, you hoped it wouldnt, but it still did. Here you are alone everyday. They say when you cross a threshold things stop being the same. Its with innocence. Like virginity. You lose it, its lost. A rotten apple is never going to taste fresh. When you know so much about society, everyone seems like a joke, and everything they do, and your pompous arse stops caring about all social etiquette. Crap. All of it. She has finally left my life, all hopes shattered, or rather I have shut it off. I know my heart is never so noble, I would never bow for this. My heart weeps and I cant comfort it. Loneliness, a quiet dying. No one to watch. Never a spectacle. I rot in my own fortress. When you cant relate to the common man, the common woman stops making sense. Of course you are still as horny as any other guy, but your mind wont budge. "Sorry" I apologise to my penis. Got stuck with a mind like mine. Full of idealistic crap and no action. I apologise to him everyday, but then I don't see myself changing. Hold steady, patience, they say. I hope they are right.

I had a dream recently. Of giant human eating frogs. A metaphor Im sure. And the girl I love, by my side at times, loving me secretly, but she cant help herself. The flirt, the charmer, the bad boy, the star, the everything I can never be, nor can I desire too. She goes for him, she likes me deep inside, but she goes for him. All decked up and pretty, both of them, with me sulking in the seat behind, watching them hold hands. I hate every stinking moment. She makes me come back to face this horrible frog, even though I know the frog means danger. I loved her. Then I peep to see the frog eat them both. Taken away, as I had suspected. My heart shatters, in my dream before reality shatters it again that morning, here in my sleep I cry. And then I plan to escape, and I grab a girl with me. We run away. She trusts me. I dont know who she is, but she trusts me. I fall in love. And we become together. A nightmare that turned into a dream.

Who is this girl I desire. My unconscious calling out to her. Someone who trusts me. Someone who likes me as I am, and I her. It took a human eating amphibian to find her. But it was worth it. But only in dreams. In reality, my heart broke again. It was stupid, but it fell off and smashed, crashed. Bam! Boom! Maybe it even exploded. She was now gone. I was truly alone. I am. Truly. In my own fortress held prisoner. Im scared, very scared.......

Depression...
vishwajeeth_rai
What do you tell a friend who is really depressed? Look at me, Im on Anti-Depressants. So what do I tell him. When I cant look at the horizon past the fog where do I come in. My chest is filled with things I want to let out, but how do I do that. How do I talk to him about my problems when he cant get his mind off his. In a world filled with depression, we are truly alone....

Needy Girls
vishwajeeth_rai
"Professional motorcycle racer Bud Clay heads from New Hampshire to California to race again. Along the way he meets various needy women who provide him with the cure to his own loneliness, but only...."

Needy women....... for some reason that pricks. Over the years my heart has grown strongly skeptical. Attention. All they need is attention. Not a man who would truly respect them as an individual. They need attention. God dammit. Years of my moms ruthless training and a particularly strong anti-social tendency leaves me crippled. But then again, I dont care for these 'needy women' myself. Maybe its a past relationship that still scars me. That reminds me of what a fool I was to love, to love the wrong person. It feels stupid. I shouldn't bother, but it still hurts. I tried so hard to get her attention, but she never wasted a moment in reminding me how much better those other boys were in complimenting her, in making her feel special. It seemed to her that I was cold, unresponsive, and desolate. In my mind I wasn't, but I guess Im wrong.

It wasn't just her. Even my cousin. My sister. I liked her a lot. Being the only son I always wanted a sister. An elder sister I could relate to. She was it. Perfect. I was happy. Until he turned up. He was like all the other guys. A master at flirting, a master at making her feel like a princess. It was then that I saw in her eyes. That I was only her cousin. Never her brother. She didn't have a brother. But I was still just her cousin. I tried hard to win her attention, her confidence, her trust. I guess I was just this kid staying with her for a while. I guess she just felt like my baby-sitter. 

"his eyes are intense, magnetic, deep, cause he is a Scorpio, just like me. even I have eyes like those"
"what about me, how are my eyes? are they intense and magnetic?"
"nah, your eyes are just normal."

I guess I got stupid Capricorn goat eyes. She was 28 then, seems stupid she believed in this crap anyways. The guy who stole my ex every time they met, he had a really powerful gaze. Gave me the goosebumps, and got her drawn to him like a fly to UV light. She says their sexual chemistry was amazing. She had felt the most passion with him. What about me? Boring guy, with boring eyes, thanks a lot! Thank god that relationship is now over. Being in one where you feel like crap everyday is not healthy Im sure. Needy girls. They get jacked by those guys "with powerful eyes" and then want someone like me to console them, to explain to them why its like this, explain to her, why a guy who seemed so interested in her a minute ago, could forget her so easily as if he felt nothing at all. Duh! Stupid needy girls. Got to stop entertaining the lot of them. Stupid lot they are, forever dumb and heart broken.

Fresh start...
vishwajeeth_rai
My last post was in 2008, the end quarter. Well since then its been a year of jobless, mindless, smoke filled, hellish, purgatory. A bunch of incidents prevailed, I have finally ended my 4 year relationship, woah, thankfully! Picked up addictive habits like cigarettes, and marijuana, finally quite those ( cigarettes being more persistent in their love for me ) , and now finally on anti-depressants(AD). Talk about a year full of mind altering substances. God damnit, chaos has reigned for too long! High time some order prevailed. Well atleast I hope so :S .

On the good side, I have finally found a psychiatrist in b'lore willing to see eye to eye on my problems. He put me on a mild anti-depressant, since he needed to confirm whether my sluggishness is due to depression or indeed ADHD. Well, the AD does work and my mood is relatively better :) , though one has to deal with occasional head aches and a slight sensitivity to the sun... hmmm.... hope I dont thirst for blood later on...

After a year of complete solitude, I think Im finally ready to do a little bit of socialising :)

Third time lucky? ;D
vishwajeeth_rai
The bumbling idiot that I am, I have lost the password to my previous livejournal account -----> lonerespite, as well as that to the email id that was tied to it!

aaahhhh....

And so it begins :)

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