The pain will forever linger
On close scrutiny it can be observed that the UCIL accident was caused by our lax labour and safety laws, and by our governments continual ignorance of basic operational procedures which sacrificed thousands of lives. When will the government ever take responsibility for its power and prevalence and start doing something which benefits the people, rather than wasting precious tax payers money on extravagant cover-up operations. We can all blame Anderson, but considering the Indian government had a stake in the company, why did they allow for safety standards to fly out the gaps. And why, 25 years hence, we still haven't amended a single thing. Environmental safety standards in work sites continues to be bargained for a few extra notes. Is the government learning disabled? Or do they really believe that a super natural being will clean up the future when their time is done. History shall forget, but the pain will forever resonate, destroying countless lives that naively encounter the rippling deceit, of shock waves borne off times past. The tsunami shall never stop striking. The pain will linger.......

Life needs a chance..
What is really the point of life? Why do we exist? We have spent the last 5000 or more years wondering these very questions, and are not even close to any answer as possible. Are we then groping in the dark as demonstrated by the Meno paradox. If we dont know what we are supposed to find how can we expect to find it. It might be staring at  our faces and we equipped with our ignorance might be blind not to notice it.

The Bhopal gas massacre has been gone 25 years. 16,000 people dead. The worst industrial accident ever. On the other hand the Indian government is all out to birth a flawed nuclear liability bill which allows the multinational corps. to get away with relatively little damage in case of any accident. Bringing justice to the victims of that fateful tragedy is one matter, and setting up the stage for probably a more devastating accident in the future is just ridiculous. If all of life is just about earning money, getting rich and living in filth, why bother with existing at all. I dont see the rocks complaining.

There might be no right out answer to why we exist, but instead of waiting for some divine being to do the needful, why cant we just make life worth every moment. Money never was the answer, power too is just a novelty item, some prehistoric residue of our evolution laid redundant when surviving is no more a pressing need. Why cant we see long term? We are truly alone out here in the universe, nature is never going to be on our side, so why cant we make a world where we protect and help eachother? Where starvation and survival are not concerns anymore. Why cant we just evolve into a world where we finally know and understand the delicate beauty of life.

I just hope one day that things do change. All might fade, but hope never should, and never will. If life doesn't hope, I dont see the rocks making any effort any time soon, they lay peacefully, mercy to circumstance, slaves to the fabric of time, slowly passing, slowly fading, waiting for the end.....

Time travel correction... The river analogy....
Okay need to make a correction on my analogy relating to time... Now in my earlier post I have written that if time is like a river we are like plankton moving along with it, but I have now realised that that is a bit off.... If time is a river then we, being slaves of time, and never really traveling through time are like rocks stationary compared to the river which is moving, for example, at the speed of light, since light is a constant thus a true measure of time.... So traveling through time would entail "us", the rock, to be moving along with the river but never completely touching the speed of the river, i.e., the speed of light. Hence if the rock is beginning to move forward through this river, then obviously it will appear to us that the river is slowing down, while it is the rock, i.e., ourselves who are moving faster, and the fact that the river is moving slower can then be said to represent time slowing down, so by that standard if we reach the full speed of the river, the river will then appear to us as if its stationary, thus displaying that time is now frozen... This being the reason why we can never truly touch the speed of time!

Thoughts on Time travel and other divergences..
Time travel... now we all wish for it, I certainly do... but its a known fact that time traveling to the past is impossible owing to the dreaded paradoxes, which lay there as guardians to keep check in order to avoid the universe plunging into chaos. Like the grandfather paradox. How can one travel back in time if its possible to kill your own grandfather, hence negating your own existence. But traveling to the future is quite possible, either by approaching an object with a greater mass around which time runs slower, or by nearly reaching the speed of light thus slowing down your time in relation to others who remain stationary. But what fun would it be to travel to the future if one could not make a journey back to the present.... That leaves you with a one ticket to the future with no way back... Unless of course a dreaded virus looms over our very existence for which we will need to travel through space and time to return to a future earth which is free of this organism, there seems to be no real conceivable use of such a travel... Now visually time can be described as a river moving forward, in which, much like fish and plankton, we are moving along with it in a linear fashion, and with a possibility of racing forward up the stream to the future. Now they say that one can never reach the speed of light owing to the fact that as we approach the speed of light time slows down, thus acting as a counter against hitting that barrier. So invariably one can easily state that we are in effect stuck in time, and unlike space we can only move forward but never backwards... But then picture salmon... Salmons swim upstream to lay their eggs, but much of how they propel themselves depends on them jumping out of the stream and back in. Now if you convert this analogy into time travel, thus for us to go back into the past, we must like salmon rip through time itself and then place ourselves further upstream aka the past... But what is beyond time, or what happens to us if we ever manage to rupture through it. They say that if we ever find ourselves outside our universe, i.e., beyond space and time altogether we can be able to see time... But the practicality of such an operation Im sure is beyond mind boggling. So I imagine that some time way in the future man might have perfected it, but then to do so, im sure our very state of being would be severely altered, hence its possible that humans in the future are present among us, but their physical state might be so altered that there is no way we could ever recognise, and far from be able to relate to them. It is then possible that they are manipulating our very existence but in forms unknown to us. But then the grandfathers paradox bites one in the arse. Well then here comes parallel universes, so in essence one could travel back in time, but it wont be our very own world, but another which might look just like this, a parallel universe.... Its kind of amazing to imagine that every time we make a decision a new universe is created, one in which we would be making the other choice... This I would say is more true for choices in our lives which are based solely on chance rather than choices which we are predetermined to make owing to our genetic make.... Random environmental events in our lives thus creates a world almost similar yet slightly different.... Ah... the universe, a beautiful thing!

drunken confession......
i confess, and she sends me the most beautiful rejection message i have ever read........ how i respect her so...... how am i in love with her after being with her for 2 days..... the perfection, the beauty..... im smitten, fallen, wounded, weak and so badly beaten up, surrendering all i have. so i confessed, and now i know she has someone else...i still love her...... i need to move on.... like many times over. dear heart, dont struggle, let go for the universe thinks better... i still feel she is the right one.... such emotional creatures art we.... i hope to win you over someday.... goodnight baby...

i feel again....
its been a while, a long while since. i stare into her picture. every now and then. i want to keep looking. it makes me feel right. i feel bad though, i should have felt this way a long time before. i cant believe now that i had missed her earlier. right under my nose. three years and a whole lot of transformations later. now i see her. is it right. i feel i shouldnt care. i feel it now. thats what it is. i hope i can bring her into my life. a long time since i have felt this way. it feels refreshing. a homecoming. a welcoming. a gust. i need her. i want her. i feel like waiting for her. feel like i got it right this time. she feels right. i hope, i pray. i wish, she feels the same. i wish i felt the same before. but now i do. thank you, cause i might just love you. i hope to see you soon. goodnight.

Ghastly Interview
It was rape. Raped by a panel of professors. Ah the tyranny of it all. All 5 of them lynching me, jumping at my every response, pulling my mind apart. My poor brain too dumbstruck to think was left halting at frequent intervals. Every pause was hell, hellish, slow slow torture. It was and perhaps might be the worst interview of my life. Afterwards walking down the hot afternoon street, I felt totally naked, as if they had scooped within me to see if I really fit. The disgrace that I assume I didnt really match upto their standards. There were a lot more "ummms", and "Im not sure", then there were firm replies. The confusion!! And the worst of all, was how the answers finally came tumbling into my head 10 minutes later as I was walking back to the hotel. In the middle of the road, with no audience I perform. What a pain. The usual tale repeated all over. I failed in that room, it didnt matter if I could dance all night in the street. But I still hope that within all that confusion they might have glimpsed a potential candidate. Everything rests on this strain of hope.....

Hope against Hope Hopen...
Ah, the 20th.....Everyday I wait for that day..... Its like a junction, a junction I cant wait to reach. Do I get in or dont I. The answer can spin my life in two very different directions. Getting in is obviously the most preferential. I can relax for two more years, after which I can start planning for my phd. Staying out will spit out another year of figuring out what to do with my life! How I pray at times like these, hope against hope hopen! Please come through!!! Another year of sitting by myself will drive me mad! Im already having dreams of being back in college, having new friends, new love, new places to get used to. Of course purgatory is worse than hell!! Please oh please, I pray with the hope that I get zapped into a parallel universe where I do get in, rather than wander through one where Im forced to spend another unlucky year bumming through all the mess..... This 3 year bad streak must end, failure after failure is killing me. My reputation is so close to the drain its already beginning to stink. I need a reprieve. I hold on to pure faith! And hope for a good fate.

In the mean time Im going to get high, need to relax for 10 more days...... 10 more days of hope......

C'est la vie....
I saw her today, and I just realised I will need more time to get over her. She seems to have gotten pretty well in her life, seems to be loving the attention other guys are showering on her, makes my quiet introspective life seem quite lonely. But then again I wouldnt trade my life for anyone elses, I love what I have, Im not obsessed as others are about earning money and swimming the capitalist tide, and I find my world rich in philosophy, and literature. But I do wish there were more people with similar interests in this city, people seem more interested in having fun than discussing the greater philosophical meanderings that I find myself wandering into. I do know that I will find more such people in a more academic environment, I guess thats why Im dying to get into TISS. I just hope my ADHD does not be too much of an obstacle at the interview round. Compared to her life I feel quite lonely :/ , but Im also an obstinate fucker and I know I wont budge from my position.

My parents are coming down in a few days, and I dont think I have ever been so excited to have them around :) . Well it feels good to know that for the next one month I will be having company around me, it gets boring sitting all alone at home at times. Yeah, I am aware that Im just obsessing about the wrong things. I dont understand my mind at times. I have always noticed this. When I was in love with this girl in college who used to go out partying a lot, I would feel sad that I didnt fit into the city's party scene, but now that Im over her I cant care a fuck, they bore me anyways, give me a good book any day. Similarly right now I feel left out that my ex seems to be having fun with other boys in her life, and I keep thinking I need to go out there and prove myself by having one night stands, though I know I cant care a fuck for that as well, but right now I feel left out, as if the whole city is involved in one giant orgy and Im just out of it :D . Im sure in time I will be over this, and my parents keeping me busy for a month should give me that boost.

Ah, being neurodivergent and an NT is quite cool, but again with the majority of folks being dumb out there its quite a bummer. Today I also realised that it was the right choice to break up with her. Her interests are too conventional. She prefers a guy who showers her with superficial attention, someone who has a conventional job and is great at talking nonsense topics, well nonsense for me atleast. Im sure Im not rationalising to get over her quicker :) , well in any way Im happy she is out, but sad that the attachment seems to be taking much longer to detangle. Ah well c'est la vie i guess.... life goes on......

Final goodbye...
The heat. Summer seems to be descending on this town. The shade holds respite, but yet the heat sneaks in. A warm sunny afternoon. I started reading, and then I couldnt keep awake. The heat, always warm enough to fall asleep in. A nap, usual for others, part of a daily afternoon routine, for me, it was forced. I decided not to resist. I wake up, luckily not disoriented, as sleep always confers. Still alert and aware, out for an hour, back on my feet again. I feel fidgety, slightly tense. Looked around for the ash tray, peeped to find any remaining half stubbed cigarettes. There was one, smoked it. Despite my claim to clean my lungs, I felt I needed this one. Needed to feel calm. Have to meet her in an hour. Didnt expect this meeting, popped out of the blue yesterday morning. Dont feel prepared to see her yet. She wants to return my books, I still feel uneasy, she wants to meet at CCD, I feel sick. Dont want to see her. My life the past two months has greatly uplifted, feels like a new life, a new year, and also a new area of residence, away from all memories. This part of the town, held memories that were long gone old, but they are nice, happy memories. Not tainted by any form of the past that I disliked. My life now is stable. And here, I have to meet her. Just three months past since I saw her, already a ghost, a ghost of a rotten year. Makes me sick. Reminding me of a rotten city far away, where now the shout for freedom, for statehood blurred all signs of movement. I need to move on. I need to get through today. I will. I will visit this past form, hold back the nausea, get back my books, return those of hers that I have here with me, have a coffee, feel awkward, and then move on. Maybe the last time I will see her. For now I prefer it that way. I will keep looking out into the future, and slowly will let her pass into the past.
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