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Final goodbye...
The heat. Summer seems to be descending on this town. The shade holds respite, but yet the heat sneaks in. A warm sunny afternoon. I started reading, and then I couldnt keep awake. The heat, always warm enough to fall asleep in. A nap, usual for others, part of a daily afternoon routine, for me, it was forced. I decided not to resist. I wake up, luckily not disoriented, as sleep always confers. Still alert and aware, out for an hour, back on my feet again. I feel fidgety, slightly tense. Looked around for the ash tray, peeped to find any remaining half stubbed cigarettes. There was one, smoked it. Despite my claim to clean my lungs, I felt I needed this one. Needed to feel calm. Have to meet her in an hour. Didnt expect this meeting, popped out of the blue yesterday morning. Dont feel prepared to see her yet. She wants to return my books, I still feel uneasy, she wants to meet at CCD, I feel sick. Dont want to see her. My life the past two months has greatly uplifted, feels like a new life, a new year, and also a new area of residence, away from all memories. This part of the town, held memories that were long gone old, but they are nice, happy memories. Not tainted by any form of the past that I disliked. My life now is stable. And here, I have to meet her. Just three months past since I saw her, already a ghost, a ghost of a rotten year. Makes me sick. Reminding me of a rotten city far away, where now the shout for freedom, for statehood blurred all signs of movement. I need to move on. I need to get through today. I will. I will visit this past form, hold back the nausea, get back my books, return those of hers that I have here with me, have a coffee, feel awkward, and then move on. Maybe the last time I will see her. For now I prefer it that way. I will keep looking out into the future, and slowly will let her pass into the past.
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